Rob Does Words
Treating fiction poorly since 2019

03 January 2024


The question remains unresolved. Most people think it will stay that way forever. No one every points out the irony of those words, but here we are. A rational, objective society. One that has given up on hate, on violence. One that has moved past pettiness and paranoia. A truly unified group of people moving towards their place in an inhabited universe.

With one notable exception. The only argument that is left to be had. How do you kill an immortal man?


The past is an open book. Once we came to terms with the progress we had foisted upon ourselves and understood the implications of it, we were able to come together and create rules. It was rough at first as some people found it inconvenient to follow them, but over time – a long time, sure – everyone came around and the foundation for our future was established. We started to use – what we called – artificial intelligence to record the day to day lives of everyone. With corporate surveillance everywhere, it was not a hard ask to get these language models – as they actually were – to record everything. To keep a proper, accurate record of our civilisation.

We can go through these records too. Most people dont bother. Some people do so maliciously. The government does so to punish crimes. Companies do so to set prices.

I do because Im a historian. Its an anachronistic title at this point but I like it. Ive been doing it for a few years now. It started as a hobby but as I realised that no one else was doing it to the same level that I was, it became a job. I am now paid to go through as much of this recorded history as I can in order to find out where this immortal man came from.


What we know so far is not a lot. Hes a man, and he cant die. We dont know where he comes from, how he became unable to die or anything about him beyond that. Hes been caught and imprisoned several times, but something always happens to allow him to be set free. How do you sentence someone to a lifetime behind bars if that lifetime would be longer than any of us are around for? Forget the death penalty as well – not that thats stopped certain jurisdictions from sentencing him to death in absentia. And thats where this starts. Continues? Whatever.


The first confirmed recording of him, and his inability to die, is somewhere in the late 1700s. After that, its like he stopped caring about being careful. He just embraces this ability and he appears everywhere. Across the world. For nearly 100 years, he pops up in the historical record as some kind of mage, or demon. Harassing people and being a general nuisance. At one point, he disappears for a while and we only learned later that he had fallen down a large crevasse in the arctic and was essentially frozen in a large block of ice.

But we arent overly interested in his modern appearances. We know – now – what he is and what hes about. What I want, and what the state wants, is when he first came about. Someone smarter than me seems to think that if we can find out where he began we can find a way to end him.


There are drones and satellites and all manner of devices that track this man constantly. We know, more or less exactly, where he is and what he does at any given time. Currently, according to the live feed on the screen next to me, he is in a favourite place of him, one of the oldest surviving cities in the world. Right now, specifically, hes enjoying an ice cream as a traditional parade marches through the streets. Most people are ignoring him, but others are pointing and exclaiming, then giving him a wide berth. He is not interested in anything except his ice cream.

Until he is. He looks up at the drone the feed Im watching is coming from and throws whats left of his ice cream at it. It lands squarely on the camera, sending the drone off in a wild spin. When it rights itself, and settles back on where the man was, the lens still messy with melting ice cream, its obvious that the man has gone.


My job is now under scrutiny. Apparently the powers that be, my employers, think his disappearance has to do with the work I am doing. They think he is coming for me because Im getting too close to truths he doesnt want us knowing about. I cannot fathom how anyone can know that, considering my job is barely public and there are no announcements of any work that Im doing. Im supposed to be rational and objective here, but its hard to not be paranoid when someone in a position of authority comes to me and says that Im the target of a man who cant be stopped.

Still, while he is definitely a murderer, he has said – multiple times – that only the worst of the worst deserve to die. I hardly think that I count, but if I am getting close to finding out his truth, then maybe hell make an exception. Ive had to move to a safer location. But I know it wont stop him.


“I wish theyd hurry up,” I groaned. “How hard is it to figure everything out. Honestly, if I have to go down there and fucking show them myself, I will not be happy.”

“Does it matter either way?” Cheryl said, a cigarette hanging out of the corner of her mouth. It was unlit and she made no moves to change that.

“Well, no,” I admitted. “But I want them to find out. I want them to know. Once they know, theyll understand that they cant do anything about it. They might just leave me alone.”

“Theyll find some other way of explaining you,” David said. Like Cheryl, he was lazily sitting in an armchair across the room. His eyes were effortlessly taking in everything happening around them. “And they wont stop regardless,” he continued. “Someone legitimately found you guilty of something or another and sentenced you to die. Even if they cant kill you, theyll do their damndest to lock you up until they figure out a way to do it.”

“They keep trying that,” I say, sighing. “Every few years, someone reports on the latest and greatest way to keep me trapped. To ensure that I cant or wont escape. Do you know the most effective way Ive been imprisoned? When I fucking fell down that hole and was frozen. But even my own fuck ups cant keep me anywhere forever. Sure, they might get me for longer than usual, but my greatest ally is their biggest weakness. Time. I have it all and they have none. What are they going to do when their buildings fall down and let me free? Their chains corrode? The best bet they have is to launch me into the sun, and theres no way they could ever get me on any of their rockets.”

“So why do you care about them learning where youre from? If it doesnt matter, it doesnt matter.”

“Because I cant just keep existing with those fucking drones around. Do you know how long it took to shake the streams this time? A week. And Im not 100% that theyre not waiting out there for me.”

“Theyre not,” David said, turning his screen towards the others. “Officially off the grid.”

“With the tunnels under here, youll be on the ocean in no time,” Cheryl said. “Ready to pop up somewhere else to scare small children.”

“I scare their parents more,” I said. “Those idiots think Im some kind of boogeyman.”

“You kinda are, though,” Cheryl chuckled. “Humanities boogeyman.”

“Well, once they learn the truth, theyll be surprised, wont they?”


It wasnt the best plan; so many things could go wrong, but for the time being, it was the best plan available. If it had all gone according to plan, this immortal man was reading that he had been lost. He might even believe it. But he wasnt. Not even a little bit. We knew where he was, and it was unlikely anyone else could figure it out. He would be on the move soon and our trap would be sprung.

It took nearly another week. On the plus side, it did give us more time to bring in more people. To keep the paths monitored, but on the negative side, the more time that passed, the more likely it was that we had lost him.

But then he started moving. Underground, as expected and heading towards the docks, which was also expected. We followed at a cautious distance, waiting to learn which path he would take, ready to drop the trap on him and put an end to his bullshit.


Every now and then, I was able to lose the idiots that followed me. The drones and cameras were the most annoying pests since the rats that killed everyone. But they werent perfect and I had grown a pretty decent talent of avoiding them when I wanted to. Like right now, as I headed through the maze of sewers and infrastructure tunnels, heading towards a mostly empty barge which would take me towards the people trying to unravel my history. Wont they be surprised when I knocked on their door.

Then the floor fell out from under me. I was free falling tens of feet in a large hole before I landed in something that wasnt soft, but wasnt altogether that hard. It was dark and the more I moved, the worse my situation became. So I stopped. I breathed out slowly and waited for my eyes to acclimate.

Turns out, that was the worst idea. I had landed in a cement mix and already half of my body was inside it. My hands were trapped and I felt both my legs slip beneath the surface. Whoever had done this had timed it perfectly. I had been trapped. Again.

It wasnt a perfect trap, of course. Even the thickest concrete will eventually crumble, but this one was definitely a doozy.

As I lay there, waiting for whatever happened next, huge floodlights filled the hole with light and I could see a dozen or so people dressed from head to toe in outfits which broke their figures up. There was no way of figuring out, from my POV at least, who any of them were. As I watched, one of them – their leader, I guess? - threw his hand in the air and a rumbling from somewhere above me announced a fresh layer of cement coming down to completely smother me. My last thought before everything went black was that maybe this was a better trap than I had thought.