I dont know if I should be angry or thankful. Whether my parents were looking out for me or were just unable to talk about it. My friends, especially when we got into the part of school where they started teaching us about it, were obsessed with how they were going to deal with it. What they would do, how they would dress, what they would say. Every little aspect of it was discussed to death. I, obviously, never had any answers when they asked me. But I had heard enough from them to make shit up and bluff my way through it. Eventually, though, school and exams and everything else took priority and for a while we all just stopped thinking about it.
But one by one, we started hitting that age. And suddenly it was all we could think about. Even me, this time. Before, it was just a hypothetical. ‘Imagine if,’ and ‘Could we?’ type things. Now it was ‘When I,’ and ‘Im going to,’ conversations.
My day is tomorrow. I turn 18 and I have to start thinking about where I fit into this world and what I want to do. Tomorrow is the day where I have to decide if I want to see a Sage or not.
I tried to talk to Dad about it. Ask him what he did when he was my age. But he never went to a Sage. They were definitely a thing when he was younger; he isnt that old. But he says he went straight from school into work as his fathers apprentice. He never felt the need to have his life laid out before him. I tried to tell him thats not what a Sage did – at least, as far as I knew it wasnt – but he didnt want to listen.
I talked to Mum. I had a really nice conversation with her. It was mostly not about what I wanted to talk about, but I appreciated every moment with her. She did give me some insight, though. Her and her friends travelled to a Sage against their parents wishes. My grandparents are no longer around. I wish I could have spoken to them about it. They must have had a reason why they didnt want their children, my mother and her sisters, to visit a Sage. But all I have is Mums answer. They thought Sages were dangerous. They thought that every prophecy delivered by any Sage was one that would bring about the end of the world.
Ultimately, both Mum and Dad couldnt give me the advice I needed. They didnt want to talk about Sages. Neither of them said anything about what I should do. They never told me not to go.
There’s a teacher I respect. They arent the most well liked; they push us harder than the other teachers. They expect more from us than the other teachers. They understand that we are next in line to manage this world. Our futures are determined by our education and they want to make sure that we are ready for it. I have never felt ready to be an adult. But this teacher, the way they teach, I feel like that I could be ready. Maybe.
I didnt finish school in any great shape. No one would call me stupid, or anything like that. Im not. But Im not winning any academic prizes. Im not being scouted for any prestigious academies in the south. Im squarely in the middle of everyone. Im not ashamed of that. I did better than both of my parents and Im setting a good example for my younger siblings, still five and six years away from having to make the decisions Im making right now.
Given that, its a wonder this teacher agreed to see me. They were actually rather happy to see me. I expected disinterest, even hostility but I got the exact opposite. They were warm and welcoming and actively listened to what I had to say. We had a long conversation and each part of it was specific and challenging. They asked questions. They answered mine. They gave me the insight that my parents didnt have. But, again, I could get no advice about what I should do. In fact, they said to me, and I quote:
“No one can tell you what to do. To see a Sage or not, its a deeply personal choice that cannot be made by anyone except you.”
I came out of that conversation understanding about the same amount as when I went in. But, somehow, I felt better about it. This teacher, they werent my favourite while I was growing up. In fact there were many times when I cursed their existence. But now that Im done with school, now that I dont have them in any position over me, it feels different speaking to them. I dont think they were treating me differently, but there was something different about our time together.
Im trying to distract myself from the Sage question. Can you tell? Thinking about my teachers attitude instead of what Im meant to do next.
The problem is that I have no interest in being apprenticed to anyone. Not my father, who has three apprentices already, all of whom have shown far more aptitude for the work than I ever have.
No one would even allow me to apprentice to my mother, even if her work was something I could do.
In such scenarios, a visit to a Sage is usually the first thing suggested. But no one has said that I should do this. My parents have their own reasons why they dont just say it. My teachers, and Im assuming other teachers I had would say the same as the one I spoke to, wont tell me to do anything specific because Im an adult now and Im meant to make my own way.
Other family members, those who still live around here, dont want anything to do with my side of the family. Long held grudges against uncles and aunts who I never met have kept us all apart.
Which means that I have few options available to me. Its time I went and spoke to my friends.
I love my friends, I really do. But like my parents, they are easily distracted from things they dont want to talk about. Once, they used to desperately want to talk about everything related to a visit to the Sage. When we were kids, they talked about running away and visiting one while they were 8 or 9.
But then we all grew up and the obsession ended. We still talked about it here and there, but it was nothing like how we used to talk. No obsession, no grand plans. Just facts.
My best friend, the girl – woman now, I suppose – I grew up living next door to, was having a lazy evening with her brother, another close friend, when I arrived. They both welcomed me, because they always did, and the three of us caught up and made small talk for a while before her brother had to leave. He made his usual joke about the two of us getting married one day and he was gone. Leaving me and her together.
She looked at me in a strange way and then the conversation started.
“You look like mud,” she said. Her usual way of inviting a serious conversation. In other words, talk about the mud to clean it off your face.
“Feel like it too,” I said, flopping back on her incredibly comfortable chairs. “Been trying to decide what to do.”
“With what?” she asked. She knew, of course she did, we were the same age. She had to have been going through the same questions. But she couldnt just say. She had to wait for me to say it first. I came to her, after all.
“Whats next,” I say. My eyes are closed and Im picturing the world out there, trying to remember the spots on the map where the Sages are meant to be. “Everything is telling me that I cant stay here. Im not going to apprentice with Dad, or any other family member. Theres no one else looking for the most average person in this town, so I should head out and try my luck somewhere else. But which direction do I go?”
“Hm,” she said. That was the worst thing I could have heard. Hm was her way of saying ‘I dont know.’ If she didnt know, what hope was there left for me?
“What are your plans?” I said quickly, hoping she would get distracted from my insecurities.
“I dont have any,” she said slowly. “I feel like Im trapped here. My mothers illness and my younger brother need me.”
I stared at her and kicked myself for being so insensitive. “I should go,” I said.
“No, you stay right the fuck there,” she said. “My reasons for staying arent yours. You should leave.”
“What?”
“Youre right. There isnt anything for you here,” she averted her eyes from me as she spoke before steeling herself and bringing them back to me. “Once,” she said, almost shyly, “the jokes about us being husband and wife made me imagine a world where that was true, living here with children of our own.”
“You told me that before,” I said, remembering a night where we had tried intoxicating things for the first time. “I never imagined that.”
“I know,” she said, sighing. “It was a fantasy. Youre the only person who has been there with me and for me my whole life and back then, it just made sense. But you arent that sort of person. For me, I mean. I know that now.”
“Ive been trying,” I start to say before stopping.
“So have I,” she said.
“No,” I shook my head. “You and me, our friendship, theres no trying there. We dont need to. Everything about us is perfect and I wouldnt change it for the world.”
She looked almost relieved at the comment, then confused. “Trying to what then?”
“Decide what I should do. Ive been talking to everyone who could help me. None of them have been able to give me anything that helps though,” I looked up at her. “Your turn,” I grinned and she rolled her eyes.
“Leave,” she said. “Head south. Find somewhere that needs workers, find someone who will take you as an apprentice. Find a woman, marry her, have a family. Its easy.”
“I dont know what I want to do. What kind of apprentice.”
“Does it matter?” she asked. I heard the tone of voice. It registered in the back of my head. I knew how I should have reacted. What I should have said and what she was preparing to say. The coin I had flipped all that time ago had landed in that moment and I knew which side it had landed on.
But I ignored all of that and just said the first thing that came to my mind. “Yes, of course it does.”
“Then you need to see the one person who can give you advice, dont you?”
“Who?” I said, fighting against the knowledge I already had. “Theres no one else here who can help.”
“Exactly,” she shrugged. “You need to visit a Sage.”