I was only fifteen when I had my first kid, a son whom I named Jayden. My own mother, of course, flipped the fuck out. So did I, but for different reasons. Dad didn't find out until the kid was 2 or 3, but by that point he was so out of it, I think he had forgotten he even had a daughter.
I remember being excited more than afraid. Although there were a lot of times where fear did threaten to overwhelm me. Fortunately, Mum was doing enough freaking out for the both of us and it didn't seem to matter what I was afraid of because she had already taken care of it. Considering how some of the other young pregnant girls I knew were treated by their families, I’m very lucky.
Jay was born easily, relatively speaking, sometime in the small hours of July 18th. From the start he was a happy kid. Never really needing a lot of attention, but loving every bit he got. Mum recorded the whole thing and one day I might just get up the courage to watch it. While the whole thing was easy, I’m told a lot of that was because of the medication I was on. I’ve been high before and I’d rather not see what I’m like on this stuff.
I haven't had any other kids since then. It’s not that I don't want any, but being in my early-20s with an almost six year old makes it hard to find someone who wants to stick around long term. I don't remember a lot about Jay’s father. He was hot, else I wouldn't have slept with him. He was older, because it was the thing to sleep with someone who wasn't at school. My friends knew him, or knew his friends, or something. According to them, it was a thing to sleep with these guys. If I wanted to get high – which I did – then sex was part of the payment. I was an idiot and a lot of me regrets the whole lot. But in some ways, Jay makes up for it.
I tried to get a hold of his father once or twice. No one seemed to remember him, and those who did either told me he wasn't around anymore or they'd get him to call me back. He never did. He knew I was pregnant before he went and disappeared. He was pretty keen on me getting rid of it. Which means that he doesn't know, or probably doesn't know, that I had Jay. It’s ok though. I’m a little bit mad at the way he left, but I’m not upset at him for knocking me up. Mum’s plenty mad at him for that though, but she forgets all about it when holding her grandson.
I don't usually go on like this. But there's a thing coming up that Mum wants me to go to. There's a bunch of girls who are getting together for a night out. They're all girls who were pregnant at the same time as I was. We were taken out of school when it came out and put together on a mixed thing of high school stuff and parenting stuff. It was one of those ‘the father can come too, if he likes!’ but no guys ever came.
But some of the girls have decided that its time to get together and have some fun. It’s not that I don't like those girls; some of them were really cool, it’s just that they were all just a little bit more out there than I was. One of them was already a mother when we shared that course and were the same age. I don't like judging, since I don't know their stories, but they're the sorts of girls people expect to get pregnant in high school.
I don't really want to go, as in, it’s not something I had expected to happen in the first place and I hadn't really entertained the idea of such a night. But Mum is right, I should go out and have a night of fun and not worry about the kid.
The whole idea of the night out weighed on my mind for a while and it made me think about these girls and how I met them specifically and which choices I made that had got me here.
I knew who would be organising such a night. The self-proclaimed leader of the half dozen or so girls I was there with. Angela. Bottle blonde, plastic boobs and fake nails.
If she had her way, which was almost guaranteed, then the ‘night out’ would probably end up in a ditch under a bridge.
Fortunately there were others. Erin and Dot, Dorothy to her parents, were usually able to calm down Angela’s antics, although, get the right amount of booze and drugs in them and they were just as bad as their leader. Emmy was more like me. Quiet but fun. Her and I were reasonably close, but she was kind of closed off. She wouldn't get into the details around her pregnancy and that sort of drove the others away from her. They all wore their stories as a badge of honour.
They really liked my story of mistake after mistake.
Ever since I became a mother, I've made a real attempt to do things myself. I've only really used Mum as a babysitter when I've gone in for work interviews or doctors appointments. In my normal life, Jay comes with me wherever I go, since he is such a big part of my life now. That has meant that a personal life has had to take a back seat. I've had to turn down dates because that would mean not doing things with him or some such. Mind you, now that he is in school most of the time, my days have been pretty empty.
Mum made the joke that it would be ok if I came back the next day. At least I think it was a joke. But, to be honest, the idea of sex gives me a little anxiety.
So, that brings us to now. I'm all dressed up and looking good, if I can flatter myself a little bit. I remember these girls. I know how and why we all met. I know who I am and I know that I deserve, every once in a while, something of my own. I guess this little group could be it.